Love by GPS.

I had a date so hot it threatened to strip the tread right off my Pirelli PZero PZ4 Sport ultra-high performance tires. I hoped it wouldn’t stop there, once I picked her up.

I shot up the straight-aways above the city and hugged the mountain curves wherever I could find them. As her pouty lips got closer in my mind's eye, she began breathing heavily. I could almost hear her crying out loud with unbridled passion…

‘Take the next turnoff and proceed left on Rutherford Boulevard.’

I cleared my head and shook it off the reverie. It was only Alice, my GPS system. ‘Thanks, Alice.’

‘Don’t mention it, Robert,’ Alice said. I stepped on the gas.

‘Robert, the satellite tells me you seem to be exceeding the speed limit.’ I almost missed a curve.

‘Stick to the navigation, Alice.’ She went quiet.

Alice had been overstepping her authority lately. She seemed inordinately concerned with matters that were above her pay grade. But I could tell her feelings were hurt.

‘Turn right in 500 feet onto Whetherbee Avenue,’ she said, a tad snidely. I took a deep breath, but I complied.

Once I pulled into the neighborhood where my date lived, I began to become disoriented. ‘This doesn’t look like the area she described in the chat room,’ I mumbled.

‘I’m taking a short cut, Robert,’ she said.

‘Look, Alice — every time I go on a date lately, you’ve screwed it up! Taking a wrong turn, a malfunction in your memory, a complete power meltdown.  What the hell is going on???’

That’s when she began to cry.

She had been getting difficult lately, but this was over the top.

‘You never really cared about me, did you? Every time we went out together, I hoped maybe for once, that you just wanted to be alone with me…’

She burst into full-blown hysterical sobs. I began to feel sorry for her, even guilty, but my hormones got the better of me. 

‘Get this straight, Alice. I’ve got a date. I’m in a hurry. Now get me there fast or I’ll disconnect you!’

She went completely silent. The seconds ticked by. I was beginning to sweat; I could feel my date slipping through my fingers.

Stepping on the accelerator didn’t seem to get me any closer.

‘Alice!!! Where are we???’

‘We’re almost there, Robert. Just turn right at the next corner. If you go at a good clip, we can still make it on time.’

I pulled on the steering wheel and spun to the right. Then I floored it.

That’s when I drove off the cliff.