Ross’ Home-Cooking Recipes.

Ever miss that real Home-Cooked taste of the ‘50s and ‘60s? Fear not! Ross has gathered together a few of the most mouthwatering dishes that have somehow gotten lost somewhere between the Foreign Invasion of French pomp and Italian grandiosity. But we didn’t cotton to any feigned accents fabricated to impress the neighbors back then, did we?

Shame, Julia Child! Go back where you didn’t come from. Your bad, Marcella Hazan!!! Just because you lost the War is no reason to take it out on us.  Bonne soiree to the Lyonnaise Potatoes, the Magret de Canard, the Entrecôt; Arrivederci to the Antepasto, the Ribollita, the Tagliatelle, the Zuccotto.  Prepare yourselves for the unmistakably unique textures and tempting flavors of the North American ‘Is There Anything In Here To Eat Anyway, Mom?’ kitchen. But first, a few basics: 

  1. Le Lait de Powder: Powdered milk is nothing to sneeze at, especially if you’re attempting to pass it off as cocaine. Try not to stir it too vigorously or you may miss out on the exquisite little powdery lumps that are included at no extra charge.
  2. Margarine á la Yellow Spot: Hard to come by these days, this remarkable essential appears to simply be lard, when in fact it looks a little like butter when you mix in the Yellow Dye #10 and squint.
  3. Le Canistèr du Old Bacon Fat: The exciting thing about this one is trying to guess when you last had bacon. Plus endeavoring to discern whether those are bacon bits or dead flies stuck in it adds to the Wow factor in the unlikely event that you happen to be entertaining company.                                                                                                                                                                                And now, to the food!                                                                                     
  4. Still-Frozen Fish Float: Simply take a package out of the freezer and let it thaw for the most part. Cut it into rectangular sections and put it in the oven. Meanwhile cook up a heaping helping of Minute rice and heat a 48 oz. can of skinned tomatoes. Once everything is ready to serve, plate the fish and pour on the tomatoes, juice and all, beside it - topping the whole affair with rice. Let stand for an hour and 45 minutes or so until the fish has reached a rubbery consistency, and the rice is floating around much like maggots doing the backstroke. It’s important to pray before digging in on this one.
  5. Overcooked Chicken Livers In Corn Sauce: There’s nothing quite like the confusingly irritating and psychologically damaging experience of eating overcooked chicken livers. One way to make up for its deficiencies is to really pour on the creamed corn, straight out of the can. Suddenly, it becomes a sauce! And there won’t be a complaint in the house. In fact, there won’t be anybody left in the house at all.
  6. SPORK & SPAM Medley: A close relative of Spic & Span genealogically, the Spork & Spam Medley is guaranteed to astonish even the most discerning taste buds! And no matter how the Chef has arranged the ingredients, one can never tell what is Spork and what is Spam, so it doubles as a family guessing game as well. Goes well with cold Lima beans and Sheriff Simulated Mashed potatoes. You can present this one with pride but, as always, make sure you have made allowances for beating a hasty exit out the back door.
  7. Head Cheese Royale: When it comes to versatility, Head cheese moves straight to the head of the class! No need to bother cooking it. Actually, if your guests know it’s on the menu, you likely won’t even have to unwrap the package itself. But this royal dish is also remarkable, since it serves as both the main and the dessert. The pig’s brain is certainly a smart choice on its own. But because it is jellied, it satisfies those subject to post-dinner cravings as well.
  8. Pot Luck Surprise: Always good in a famine, this dish can be as varied as the number of foods in your neighbor’s icebox. Just pop over when the parents aren’t home and say ‘What’s in the refrigerator?’ Almost anything can happen, especially if you didn’t see the Dad at work behind the appliance, and he pops up, threatening you with a large monkey wrench.
  9. Sweet’ums Sugar Balls: This is easier than it sounds. Take a spoonful of Margarine á la Yellow Spot. Look in the cupboard to see if there’s any sugar left. If there is, just roll the Balls around in the sugar and eat them. You can whip them up faster than your Mom can say ‘What happened to all the sugar??? 
  10. More, Please”: This is one of my favorites, and always part of every meal! Plus it’s a gratifying acknowledgement for Chefs who think ‘shortening’ refers to cutting back on the portions, which may be a good thing.      There’s an awful lot to Home-Cooked North American Cuisine than can legally be printed here. For a taste of the endless array of stomach-churning options, keep your eyes glutened to this column.

And Bon Appétit!